| We live in a sex-obsessed world where we are bombarded daily with multiple sexual images and innuendo. Television, movies, music, magazines, newspapers and the internet are full of sexual material. The fixation on sexuality has led to many problems in living such as:
Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment (Patrick Carnes). Some people use sexual behaviors as coping mechanisms for stresses in their life and the behaviors can escalate to a point where they take up excessive amounts of time, attention and/or money.
A sexual addiction can be identified by its ability to take control of a person’s life. The behavior is difficult, if not impossible, to stop despite repeated efforts to quit. In order to defeat sexually addictive behaviors, people often need the help of others such as pastors, counselors, accountability partners or sex addiction support groups.
The Addiction Cycle
Sexual addiction can be described by using the analogy of a maelstrom (whirlpool). Imagine a wide river with a giant maelstrom in the middle. It represents the river of unhealthy sexuality. The shore and the land represent healthy sexuality.
Testing the water is the starting point. People experiment with a sexual behavior. They dip their toe into the soothing river. It feels good and they may wade in as deep as the knees or waist or even submerge the whole body. They try masturbation, pornography, sexual touching, oral sex, or sexual intercourse for the first time and for many, the experience leads to nothing further. Some people recognize that although the river feels good, there is an eerie sense of danger. They exit the river and proceed to find healthy sexuality on the land. However, for others the first experience in the water was so enticing that it leads to a second dip, a third dip and so on and they become swimmers.
Swimming in the water is when a person continues to experiment and begins to develop an attitude of “This feels so good and it’s not hurting anybody.” The person swims more and more often and discovers that each time you enter the river, there is a desire to explore new depths of the water and go further from the shore. In this place, a person increases sexual frequency and might experiment with hardcore pornography, multiple sexual partners, or sexual talk by phone, chat rooms or text messages. As the person ventures further across the river, the water has a current that washes over them with great physical pleasure. There is a thrilling force in the current that feels both intoxicating and dangerous. It is in this place that the person momentarily leaves behind all the stresses and negative emotions of life. However, from this point in the river, danger is visible in the form of rapids and dangerously swirling water. Sometimes a person has the strength to swim out of the current and back to the shore but many times there is no power, desire or will to escape. It is dangerous but it feels too good to give up. Many people lose control in this stage. One of the main characteristics of addiction is that use increases in frequency and intensity over time and the sexual behaviours seem to cross a line where they get out of control. The strength of the current becomes unmanageable.
Living and surviving in the current is when a person is in the fast moving water of the river of sexuality where sexual pleasures are numerous and powerful. The person habitually participates in sexually addictive behaviors and enters a state of denial. School, job performance, health and relationships get pushed to the side. The force of the current becomes a major life focus for the sexually addicted person. Compulsive masturbation, hardcore pornography, multiple casual relationships, cybersex, extramarital affairs, sex with prostitutes and sometimes illegal sexual activities are found in this part of the maelstrom. The person no longer has the strength to exit the current alone and often there is not even an interest in escaping the current. It feels too good. Sexual thoughts occur multiple times throughout the day in this stage and sexual activities can waste away large portions of time that interfere with everyday responsibilities. For many people, chaos hits their life in this stage and they come to the harsh realization that they need the help of other people to escape the power of the addiction. Those who come in for sex addiction treatment usually come because they have been “caught.” For example: 1)Their boss has caught them looking at pornography on the job and their career is in danger 2) Their spouse catches them looking at pornography or in an extramarital affair 3) They get arrested for picking up a prostitute. Many people get help in this stage and are freed from the addiction but others continue and enter the vortex of chaos.
The vortex of chaos, the final stage of the addiction maelstrom, is when addicts get so caught up in the current of sexually addictive behaviours that their life drowns all around them but they still cannot stop. It is full-blown sex addiction. The person’s brain changes and greater frequency and intensity of behaviours are needed to produce the high that initially came with small amounts. Almost all of the person’s thoughts and activities throughout the day are leading them to the addictive experience. Full-blown sex addiction manifests itself in a wide variety of ways. It is impossible to escape the vortex of chaos alone. Help is needed in the form of counsellors, recovery groups and accountability partners.
Diagnostic Criteria for Sex Addiction
The following criteria (Patrick Carnes) have been established as indicators of sex addiction:
1) Loss of Control - Recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses in order to engage in specific sexual behaviors.
2) Compulsive Behavior - Frequently engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period of time than intended.
3) Efforts to Stop - Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control those behaviors.
4) Loss of Time - Inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experiences.
5) Preoccupation - Feeling preoccupied with sexual behavior and/or preparatory activities.
6) Inability to Fulfill Obligations - Acting out takes significant time away from obligations: occupational, academic, domestic, or social.
7) Continuance - Continuation of behavior despite consequences such as:
a) Risk of sexually transmitted diseases.
b) Separation, divorce or other marital problems.
c) Loss of rights to be with children.
d) Abortions/unwanted pregnancies.
e) Career problems.
f) Risk of arrest.
8) Escalation (tolerance) - The need to increase the intensity, frequency, number or risk level of behaviors in order to achieve the desired effect; or diminished effect with continued behaviors at the same level of intensity, frequency, number or risk.
9) Losses - Deliberately limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities to keep time open for sexual acting out.
10) Withdrawal - Distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability if unable to do behavior.
A minimum of 3 of the above 10 are needed for sex addiction to be considered present. Many sex addicts have 5 signs, while over 50% have 7 (Patrick Carnes).
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Sex Addiction