Living in Freedom Therapy
Professional, Accredited Counseling for Addictions Office: 204-326-5120
Locations in Winnipeg and Steinbach, Manitoba Cell: 204-292-5058
The following discussion answers these questions:
- Can sexual behaviors become addictions?
- What sexual behaviors are considered sin?
- At Living In Freedom Therapy, what is the definition of sexual sobriety?
Can sexual behaviors become addictions? Answer: Yes
Introduction
We live in a sex-obsessed world where we are bombarded daily with multiple sexual images and innuendo. Television, movies, magazines, newspapers and the internet are full of sexual material. The fixation on sexuality has led to many problems in living such as:
- Out-of-control lust
- Pornography addiction
- Compulsive masturbation
- Extramarital sex
- Cybersex
- Phone sex
- Casual encounters
- Illegal sexual activities
Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment (Patrick Carnes). Some people use sexual behaviors as coping mechanisms for stresses in their life and the behaviors can escalate to a point where they take up excessive amounts of time, attention and/or money.
A sexual addiction can be identified by its ability to take control of a person’s life. The behavior is difficult, if not impossible, to stop despite repeated efforts to quit. In order to defeat sexually addictive behaviors, people often need the help of others such as pastors, counselors, accountability partners or sex addiction support groups.
The Addiction Cycle (Van Cleeve)
Experimentation is where the process begins. People try a sexual behavior. For many, the experience leads to nothing further.
Occasional use is when a person continues to experiment and begins to develop an attitude of “I can take it or leave it.” Over time, the behavior is used more often. People sometimes lose control in this stage but sometimes they can recover. Eventually the behavior develops into a regular occurrence.
Regular use is when a person habitually participates and enters a state of denial. School, job performance, health and relationships get pushed to the side.
Full-blown addiction is when the person’s brain changes and greater quantities and frequency of the sexual behaviors are needed to produce the high that initially came with small amounts. Almost all of the person’s thoughts and activities throughout the day are leading them to the addictive experience.
Diagnostic Criteria for Sex Addiction
The following criteria (Patrick Carnes) have been established as indicators of sex addiction:
1) Loss of Control - Recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses in order to engage in specific sexual behaviors.
2) Compulsive Behavior - Frequently engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period of time than intended.
3) Efforts to Stop - Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control those behaviors.
4) Loss of Time - Inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experiences.
5) Preoccupation - Feeling preoccupied with sexual behavior and/or preparatory activities.
6) Inability to Fulfill Obligations - Acting out takes significant time away from obligations: occupational, academic, domestic, or social.
7) Continuance - Continuation of behavior despite consequences such as:
a) Risk of sexually transmitted diseases.
b) Separation, divorce or other marital problems.
c) Loss of rights to be with children.
d) Abortions/unwanted pregnancies.
e) Career problems.
f) Risk of arrest.
8) Escalation (tolerance) - The need to increase the intensity, frequency, number or risk level of behaviors in order to achieve the desired effect; or diminished effect with continued behaviors at the same level of intensity, frequency, number or risk.
9) Losses - Deliberately limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities to keep time open for sexual acting out.
10) Withdrawal - Distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability if unable to do behavior.
A minimum of 3 of the above 10 are needed for sex addiction to be considered present. Many sex addicts have 5 signs, while over 50% have 7 (Patrick Carnes).
Statistics
- 6% of the total population of
- 80% of the total population of
- 70% of sex addicts are male and 30% are female.
- The total pornography industry revenue in 2006 was 97 billion dollars which means that, every second, $3075 is being spent on pornography. The pornography industry is larger than the revenues of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft, Google, Amazon, Ebay, Yahoo, Apple, Netflix, and Earthlink.
- Approximately 20% of all internet pornography involves children. More than 20,000 images of child pornography are posted online every week.
- 37% of pastors/priests say that pornography is a current problem for them and 51% say they have viewed pornography in the last year. If you are a pastor/priest reading this, Gerry Pettyjohn provides a safe, confidential place for you to come and confess your sin. You can work on the issues and get free without the threat of Church boards and congregations discovering your struggles and removing you from your position.
One of the challenges of being a sex addiction therapist is helping clients define healthy sexual behaviors. When sexual behaviors have escalated to the point of addiction and sex addicts want to get sober from their sexual activities, a number of questions arise. What is the “sexual” goal for recovery? Should a sex addict completely stop sexual behaviors? What is sexually appropriate? What is sexually inappropriate? How do we define sexual sobriety for a recovering sex addict? For other types of addiction, such as alcohol abuse, drug use or gambling, the recovery goal is clear; “Stop doing the substance or behavior.” However, sex is different. Human beings are sexual by nature. There are innate urges to engage in sexual behaviors not only for procreation but also for pleasure and intimacy. Is it reasonable for a sex addict to completely abstain from all sexual activity? Sex Addicts Anonymous (www.sexaa.org) - Our goal when entering the SAA program is abstinence from one or more specific sexual behaviors. But unlike programs for recovering alcoholics or drug addicts, Sex Addicts Anonymous does not have a universal definition of abstinence. Most of us have no desire to stop being sexual altogether. It is not sex in and of itself that causes us problems, but the addiction to certain sexual behaviors. In SAA we will be better able to determine what behavior is addictive and what is healthy. However, the fellowship does not dictate to its members what is and isn't addictive sexual behavior. Instead we have found that it is necessary for each member to define his or her own abstinence. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (www.slaafws.org) - Sobriety is when members abstain from what they’ve personally defined as bottomline addictive behaviors. There is an added focus on love and relationship addiction in addition to sex addiction. Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (www.sca-recovery.org) - Our primary purpose is to stay sexually sober and to help others to achieve sexual sobriety. Members are encouraged to develop their own sexual recovery plan, and to define sexual sobriety for themselves. We are not here to repress our God-given sexuality, but to learn how to express it in ways that will not make unreasonable demands on our time and energy, place us in legal jeopardy -- or endanger our mental, physical or spiritual health. Sexaholics Anonymous (www.sa.org) - We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop. Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one’s self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know. I recommend the definition of sexual sobriety as adopted by Sexaholics Anonymous. It makes recovery from sex addiction unquestionably less complicated. It also decreases the chances of relapse dramatically. The goal of recovery is well-defined and clear. It gives the addict something to aim at and he or she can know with full confidence what is acceptable or unacceptable. This also makes the recovery for the partners of sex addicts less complicated. They know what to expect and watch for in their sexually addicted partners. A partner’s trust has a higher chance of being renewed and restored if they know the sex addict is not sexually acting outside the boundaries of the marriage between one man and one woman. Sexual Health This freedom group defines healthy sexuality based on God’s word as revealed through the Holy Bible. Genesis “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” God instituted marriage as a union between one man and one woman and sex is a good and appropriate gift within marriage. From Genesis through Revelation, the Holy Bible confirms all sex outside of the marriage of one man and one woman is unacceptable and destructive. This includes masturbation and lust. Jesus stated, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew In this group, we admit that we have fallen for many of the world’s definitions of sexual behaviors and we diligently endeavor to stop those inappropriate behaviors. Furthermore, we strive to understand and implement healthy sexuality within marriage as God intended. We are also committed to learning how to love our wives as recorded by Paul and Peter, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church” (Eph “Be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect” (1 Pet 3:7). We understand that it is unacceptable and destructive to withhold love from our wives and we take full responsibility for connecting with them spiritually, emotionally and physically.
What sexual behaviors are considered a sin?
In the Holy Bible, God establishes the foundation for healthy sexuality in Genesis 2:22-25:
"Then the Lord made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and
he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and
flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman for she was taken out of man.'
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife
and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked and
they felt no shame."
God created sex as a good and appropriate gift to be engaged within the context of marriage between one man and one woman. From Genesis through Revelation, all sexual behaviors outside this context are considered inappropriate, destructive and sinful. This includes:
Lust and masturbation: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed
adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and
throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole
body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and
throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole
body to be thrown into hell. ” (Matthew
Adultery (extramarital affairs): "You shall not commit adultery...you shall not
covet your neighbor's wife..." (Commandments 7 and 10 of the 10 commandments
Exodus 20:4-17)
Fornication (sex outside of marriage): "But since there is so much immorality, each
man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband" (1 Cor 7:2)
"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried
as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to
marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:8-9).
Homosexual behaviors: "You must not have sexual intercourse with a male as
one has sexual intercourse with a woman; it is a detestable act" (Leviticus 18:22).
"If a man has sexual intercourse with a male as one has sexual intercourse with a woman,
the two of them have committed an abomination" (Leviticus 20:13).
"Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way
the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust
for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men and received in
themselves the due penalty for their perversion" (Romans 1:26-27).
Incest: "No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations" (Leviticus
18:6).
Bestiality (sex with animals): "Do not have sexual relations with an animal
and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to
have sexual relations with it: that is a perversion" (Leviticus 18:23).
A Definition for Sexual Sobriety (by Gerry Pettyjohn)
The following are some definitions of sexual sobriety as adhered to by several sexual addiction recovery groups:
As a Christian therapist, with a Christian belief system, I have great difficulty with the first three definitions. These definitions are indicative of the chronic individualism and moral relativism that is rampant within our North American society.
At Living In Freedom Therapy, we have a recovery group that adheres to the following definition of sexual health: